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Things I Never Thought I'd Say & Other Adventures Raising Boys

I have 4 boys. At this point there is very little anyone can do to shock me and trust me - my children take this as a challenge. As any mother of more than one child knows - every kid is very different. Anything I thought I knew and had down pat - went out the window with each new addition to our family. They all need different types of love, punishment, encouragement, and so forth. It's definitely a juggling act and I constantly feel like I'm failing somewhere. However, one thing remains consistent. I have to have a strong sense of humor. Keep laughing - it plays a big part in my staying sane. I thought I'd share some of the things I didn't expect to hear myself ever say (at the time not so funny), but looking back they are certainly good for some belly laughs. Full disclosure - the majority of these are pretty gross. But let's be honest - motherhood is messy.

"Did someone pee in my shampoo?" Yes - this actually happened to me! It's not a fraternity prank. It came from the creative minds of my eldest two who decided to preform this act of repulsion together. They passed the bottle so to speak in a display of teamwork I could have done without.  As I'm squeezing the shampoo into my hands I notice the consistency is not the norm and that the color is a bit "iffy". Perhaps it was the mom ingrained in me by years of raising boys, but, I knew better than to put that shampoo on my head. The culprits fessed up quite rapidly and you would have thought they had pulled off the ultimate punk'd moment. Their mouths were saying "sorry" and their faces were gleaming with pride. Seriously!?! Never expected that question to leave my lips.

"How long have you been wearing that pair of underwear?" My kids would wear the same thing for three weeks straight. They DO.NOT.CARE. It's easy to notice the same tee or pants worn back to back but inspecting their underwear is a bit trickier. Once they start dressing themselves - I kinda have to take their word for it and unfortunately - the proof, or lack there of, is in the laundry. If your little brother has 12 pairs of underpants in the dirty clothing and you have 1. Houston we have a problem. I STILL have to ask this question before my kids head to school. Hopefully by high school they get that changing your underwear is not optional.

"Say weinus one more time. I dare you." *Weinus - custom term they invented to get around my rule of stop saying penis/weiner. What is it about boys and potty humor?? They are disgusting. Not an exaggeration - they say nasty things, they burp, fart, pee everywhere, and think it's cool to discuss bowel movements. I'm trying my best to shape them into gentlemen but it's one serious challenge. Ladies when you meet my boys in the future and they have learned to behave like a mature adults - you owe me one. Take good care of my babies.

"Stop pulling people's hair. That's what your mermaid is for!" My youngest has one serious hair fetish. He has been like that since he was born. He gets so much comfort from twisting your hair into his tiny hands. He's really bad when he's sleeping. He pulls my hair and all of his brothers hair constantly. The solution. A beautiful blue haired mermaid named Bubbles. We have two. You should see her poor hair now. It's horrifying to think my hair could have suffered the same fate. I'm dying to see if he will only date girls with long hair one day! 

"Always announce when you're facetiming and be sure to knock." Never thought this would be a crucial thing and parents - this is important! It's very cool that my kids have the ability to talk face-to-face with their grandparents, aunts/uncles, and classmates anytime that they want. Here's whats not cool. Half the time we don't even know they are talking to someone. They will facetime someone on their ipad and then sit down around us and it appears they are just watching netflix or something. We have stuck our foots in our mouth before having conversations without realizing someone else was privy to them. One time my son walked into the bathroom on a facetime chat with my mom and asked her if she wanted to see his dad naked because he was in the shower. She frantically ended the facetime chat. My least favorite facetime use - they use them as spy cameras. They call each other and then plant one in a secret place (usually our room) and then mute their end. We are completely unaware that our bedroom privacy is being infringed on. You can guess many ways this could end poorly. 

"NO you may not draw on your brother's face or try any other prank you saw on youtube!" Youtube - I have a love/hate relationship with you. On the one hand you have been so useful with school projects and tutorials for pretty much anything I need help with. On the other hand you've turned one of my children into a prank obsessed terror and another into a toy review expert (seriously - my five year old used the word
"duplicate" perfectly yesterday). You do have to be careful when you go to sleep in our house. I always lock our door. My little prankster will draw on your face with sharpie, place your hand in warm water (very effective on his barely potty trained siblings), and don't get me started on the pranks he has un-successfully attempted.

"Why does this bathroom look like a crime scene?1?" I couldn't even. Probably the single grossest moment of my motherhood experience to date and I've had to deal with lots of nasty. My youngest loves water and really enjoys playing in it (one time he left the sink running and pretty much flooded the entire bathroom). For that reason we have a strict keep bathroom doors closed rule. One day someone left one open and was also kind enough not to flush (*Flushing - a common courtesy frequently forgone in my household - see also putting the seat down). Bear in mind this was a #2 situation. So picture a water happy 2 year old arriving on a perfect play spot - just his height. Let's just say there wasn't anything left in the toilet bowl (water included), the bathroom walls had a special wallpaper ala used TP paper mache, and there was no saving that rug. I almost turned in my mom card after that experience. What doesn't kill you...obviously never had to clean that mess up.

"I don't want to hear one more question out of your mouth. Don't be curious today. Today you know everything so there is no need to ask me anything else." I have a question asker. The kind that asks questions just to hear his voice. The kind that doesn't care what your response is because he is already shaping another ridiculous pointless question in his mind. The kind that loves to see how many outrageous questions can be asked before someone loses their cool. I lose mine often. His favorite time to do this is usually in rush hour traffic with my car crammed full of 4 boys, 2 of which are probably whining incessantly. I never thought I would be the type of mom to basically tell my child to "shut-it" and stop with the curiosity but there is a fine line between learning and torturing your mother. For example:

What would you do if a giant green monster landed in front of the car and demanded hot wings or he would make you late for our dentist appointment?
            "I would give him hot wings."
You can't give him any hot wings because the earth ran out of chickens mom - what will you do now?
           "I guess we will be late to the dentist." 
If you're late to the dentist and they cancel our appointment what will you do then? "
           I'll reschedule."
What if you can't reschedule because they have no more appointments for the rest of life?
           "I'll find a different dentist."  
What if every dentist in the world suddenly disappears and you can't find another one ever again?
           "Your teeth will fall out."
What will I eat if my teeth fall out?
What if we can't have milkshakes because all the cows on earth die of mad-cow disease? 

Tell me you're losing your mind too?!? EVERY.SINGLE.CAR.RIDE. Sometimes this mama just needs a little quiet when staring into a sea of cars. In truth - I love to tease them but my kids are incredible little beings. I am so very lucky to be their mama. There are certainly moments when mom life is not all it's cracked up to be but I wouldn't change it for anything. It's an adventure that yields both challenges and great rewards. I try to embrace each insane moment with as much style as I can muster. My favorite saying is simply - Be Still. Be still and look at the moment. Be still and see the beauty. Be still and appreciate the humor. Be still and count to ten (have to do that one frequently). Be still and don't miss a minute. 


  1. lol that was very insightful and a great read!! Really can't even imagine!

  2. I loved this! We now have one and going for our second soon. We shall see what adventures that brings lol